The manager is one of the first people an employee calls after the news of personal loss. But managers often feel ill-equipped to respond to such emotional news. Here’s how HR can coach managers to support bereaved team members.

More than 1.6 million Australians experience grief every year. There’s no easy way to respond to the news of an employee’s personal loss, but there are clear things which set apart a supportive response from one which exacerbates an employee’s distress.

Take this recent case where an employer unfairly dismissed an employee after repeatedly demanding a death certificate to support her compassionate leave request, even taking to  supposedly making threatening calls to her mother.

Below, psychologist and CEO of the Australian Centre for Grief and Bereavement, Christopher Hall AM, unpacks the practical ways HR can help develop ‘grief literacy’ in their organisations:

1. Go beyond the administrative requirements

One of the easiest traps to fall into is treating bereavement as an administrative task, says Hall.

“[That looks like], HR processing the leave, filing the forms and then, in some ways, considering the matter closed.” 

In this example, support ends when the employee most needs it to begin.

“There’s this expectation that by the time you’ve defrosted the last casserole, thrown out the last bunch of flowers, that life returns to normal. We know that social support tends to diminish two to three days after a death – often by the time the funeral happens – but that’s when people start to really experience grief.”

He encourages HR to bring the human back into bereavement support. For example, he draws on the work of past Compassionate Employer & Business Recognition Awards recipients.

“It’s simple things like a bereavement card or a manager putting in their diary the date of the death, and on that day [the following year] leaving a note and a coffee voucher. There was just that very human connection that said, ‘I remember, and I know that you’re remembering today as well.’”

2. Offer flexibility within your bereavement policy 

Grief support needs to be treated and designed as distinct to other types of employee support, such as general personal leave, says Hall.

“Grief is [often] seen a bit like the flu or the common cold – three days and then you’re ‘over it’ and back to being a productive member of society. People aren’t back to normal when their paid leave runs out. Grief doesn’t work on that kind of timeline.”

Allowing for a flexible, phased return, rather than a fixed number of days, can accommodate the fact that people recover at different rates, he says. 

Normalising the idea that employees can take personal leave on difficult days can also help them feel genuinely and compassionately supported in the long term, he adds.

“They might find the idea of working on the anniversary of the death too difficult, and that they would rather on that day go to the cemetery or have lunch with friends.”

“There’s this expectation that by the time you’ve defrosted the last casserole, thrown out the last bunch of flowers, that life returns to normal. We know that social support tends to diminish two to three days after a death – often by the time the funeral happens – but that’s when people start to really experience grief.” – Christopher Hall AM, CEO, Grief Australia.

It’s also important that managers raise leave and workload issues themselves, so the bereaved employee isn’t forced to negotiate for basic support while they’re in the early period of grief.

Prescribing this within the bereavement policy, but leaving room for flexibility and/or amendment, can remove some of the ambiguity around bereavement.

“It protects the employee and also the manager. It often removes the inconsistency that comes from making responses up as you go along, or leaving each decision to a manager’s own personal judgment,” says Hall.

3. Coach managers to respond with ‘grief literacy’ in mind

Managers often remain silent in the face of an employee’s loss because they fear saying the wrong thing. This silence can be perceived as indifference or a lack of compassion by the grieving employee.

“We need to equip managers with ‘grief literacy’,” says Hall.

Grief literacy encompasses the capacity to understand that each individual processes loss differently depending on their socio-cultural context, according to researchers at Curtin University.

“Having a sense of ‘grief literacy’ helps managers understand that grief is personal; it’s not linear, and that the colleague who wants to keep busy and not talk about it, and the person who needs to step away from time-to-time are both responding normally,” says Hall.

Informed by ‘grief literacy’, the first task in the initial conversation with a bereaved employee – whether it be a phone call or email – is simply to acknowledge the loss and to follow the person’s lead, he adds.

Equipping managers with a simple reply to use when they first receive the news from their direct reports can be helpful.

“Give them one question that does most of that work: What do you need from us right now?” says Hall.

This response allows the bereaved employee to regain a sense of control in an otherwise seemingly uncontrollable situation, he says.

He acknowledges that it’s just as important to coach managers in what to avoid – statements or empty platitudes which are meant to comfort but can be unhelpful or even damaging, such as:

• ‘At least they’re no longer suffering’
• ‘Everything happens for a reason’
• ‘Think of the bright side’

“We need to give managers permission to say less. A short, sincere acknowledgement lands better than a rehearsed speech.”

Respecting the privacy and boundaries of the bereaved employee is also key. 

According to Griefline, one way managers can do this is to ask, “Is there anything you’d like me to share with the team? Or would you prefer to keep things private?”

“I remember talking to a man who said that after his wife died, he always looked forward to being at work because it was one of the few parts of his world that hadn’t changed.” –  Christopher Hall AM, CEO, Grief Australia.

Beyond the employee’s return to work, grief literacy also looks like informing managers that they may see a deterioration in performance at predictable points in time – like the birthday of the deceased person or their death anniversary, says Hall.

“It’s important to coach managers on how to separate a grief-related dip from a genuine ongoing performance issue and to resist moving to formal performance management too early.”

Managers should adjust expectations for a defined period, break work into manageable goals, and keep the conversation about workload going, suggests Hall.

“Just like any other performance issue, you’ve also got to make sure that it’s well-documented. You’ve documented not just the remediation in terms of performance, but you’ve also evidenced that you’ve made appropriate accommodations because of the person’s particular context.”

4. Facilitate a support network for the employee

Employers often default to referring bereaved employees to Employee Assistance Programs (EAPs), and while they are an important tool, they are not a ‘get-out-of-jail-free’ card, says Hall.

“Those who are in the best position to provide support to a grieving person are often those who know them. While an EAP is an important resource, it’s not a substitute for a manager who really checks in with the employee.

Hall suggests if the employee has colleagues who they are close with, HR can help managers establish a support group for the employee outside of the direct managerial relationship.

“It’s simple things like a bereavement card or a manager putting in their diary the date of the death, and on that day [the following year] leaving a note and a coffee voucher. There was just that very human connection that said, ‘I remember, and I know that you’re remembering today as well.’” – Christopher Hall AM, CEO, Grief Australia.

The key takeaway for HR

Hall reminds HR that the best way to support an employee is to begin by asking them what they need and go from there.

“I remember talking to a man who said that after his wife died, he always looked forward to being at work because it was one of the few parts of his world that hadn’t changed and he didn’t speak about the loss at work… Whereas for other people, their colleagues are their friends – that is their social support,” says Hall.

“Grief is choiceless – we don’t get a say in these things, but the way we respond to it is actually rich in choice.”

🧰 HR’s career resource toolkit

• Reading: Managing the emotional load on the HR professional.
• Reading: Download this AHRI Assist resource for more information about handling grief in the workplace.
• Learning: Build HR policies that actually work in practice with AHRI’s Develop and Implement HR Policies course.